The End and The Beginning

The million dollar question...When did this mom become disconnected from BEing fun, playful and carefree?  I am not sure I have an exact moment in time to pinpoint, I just know that it happened.  I do recognized that events in my life have probably put me in a position where I subconsciously made the choice to put those things on the back burner.

I think I have always carried the program with me....worrying about what others think.  So, that could be a part of it.  I remember as a kid, my mom ALWAYS wondering "what would the neighbors think?"; "what would your friends think?" I am not sure I remember my mom being too playful with my brother and I.  It was always about "getting things done". Clean your room, do the laundry, clean the house....get things done.  After all, everything had to look good.  My dad on the other hand...he was the playful one.  He like to play practical jokes, was always horsing around and attempting to lighten things up a little.  So, I know it is in me somewhere. 

I see me know with my kids and I am always very "tasky" with them.  Although, teaching them to respect their home and their belongings by helping pick up and put things away is not too crazy...at least don't think.  And, raising them alone, I know has put an extra burden on them.  I am all about them having fun, playing outside, running around with their friends, and playing with their toys using their imagination!!  And, I do see my other programs around "getting things done" over ruling sometimes.

As I think about our life over the past several years, I cannot help to think about how much different I might BE if their dad, my husband was still alive. 
August 19th, 2005 Chris passed away from stage 4 lung cancer.  Yes...he smoked (I hate when people ask me that!  And...it is always the first question).  He was only 38 years old.  His life ended much to soon.  And at 31 I was a widow, facing raising a 3 1/2 yr. old daughter and a 16 month old son.
WOW!  Talk about life altering! 

I really, don't remember much of the 1st year after he passed away.  I do remember making sure that the kids had a sense of normalcy, that their routines did not change much.  I bought them a fantastic play scape for the backyard and we went to Florida with my neighbor and her little baby Ryan (who is now 5!).  I remember that I attempted to explain to a 3 year old about heaven, and why she would not physically see her dad again.  Her heartache was debilitating to me!  My sweet baby boy, had no idea what was going on (which I guess could be seen a some sort of blessing).    I remember hating to go to bed.  I remember that I avoided one section of our couch for about 6 months, because that is where Chris slept when he was too weak to go upstairs. 

I remember that before Chris got sick, my favorite thing to do was to sit and PLAY with my kids.  I loved watching them giggle, and learn and experience life.  I loved watching Lauren run around with this massive head of long, curly hair....her chubby cheeks used to jiggle when she ran.  She LOVED all things princessy and dresses that "twirled".  Christopher (Little Man), was such a sweet baby, and as long as he was held and snuggled, he was happy.

I think after we lost Chris, I felt I lost the ability to just sit and play.  It was now up me to make sure EVERYTHING GOT DONE.  I had to pay the bills (ugh!  That was his thing...he loved it, as any controller/analyst would!)  Yard work....really!?  (I have come to accept it and even consider it therapeutic at times).  BE the soul provider for our family.  Do the grocery shopping. Do the laundry.  Go to work.  Be the good cop and bad cop....which sucks!  Be Mom and Dad.  I remember thinking, this is not what I signed up for.   I signed up for the great, handsome husband...the beautiful house, the healthy, beautiful children and a long, healthy, happy life together!  What the hell happened?! 

Lauren is now 9 1/2 and Little Man is 7.  Lauren is a gorgeous, super-sensitive, uber-intelligent, funny, spunky, (bossy), loving young girl.  I want to puke thinking about her turning 10!  I am not ready for the double digits....and all that it will be encompassing!  Little Man is an adorable, handsome, head strong, ACTIVE, funny, loving, ACTIVE, and did I mention head strong little boy!  He is definitely going to be involved in some sort of extreme sport and rock band when he is older.  He has no fear....which I admire and worry about all at the same time.

I am recognizing that I want to be PLAYFUL, CAREFREE, and CONNECTED with my kids again.  I am all they have as a parent right now and I see how important it will be for them to know that this parent made a choice to reconnect.  I want them to come to me with anything, free of judgement (which has sometimes been a struggle for me), free of negative experience.  I want our relationship to be solid, connected, open, trusting and filled with mutual respect. 

I know now that my Journey, as rough as it may have been, has brought me to exactly where I am supposed to be.  All of the work I have done with K&A, has already helped me become a better mom....by giving me the tools to increase my awareness in how I have been showing up in my relationship with my kids.  As I start this next journey, I am excited to embark upon this 7-week goal:

On or before August 24th, 2011, 11pm AZ time, I have shared 40 or more activities with Lauren and Christopher!

The jar is filled with ideas!  I am looking forward to turning off the Blackberry, turning on the "Out Of Office" reply, and turning on the massive fun, playful, carefree and connected part of me!